- compiled by my good friend Val (italics have been added by me. Since this blog is kept as a journal for myself (though not very well kept), I felt I needed to explain some of these for when I'm old and can't remember what they mean (like next month).
1. There are losers, and there are unicorns. What you do with your thumb will determine which one you are.
Julie, Val, Nat & I went to the duelling piano bar - it was awesome!! One of the songs they sang was about a unicorn and the 'losers' are Richelle and Amy who stayed in the room.
2. Papis only look good on male circus acrobats.
I bought some sweet looking man underwear, Papi's, from Ross. It was like midnight and seemed like a good idea at the time. Val & Richelle lucked out cuz it was a 3-pack so I gave them one each. The next night at Mystere - Cirque Du Soleil - some of the male acrobats were wearing these Papi-like costumes. Sorry, no picture.
3. Speaking of male circus acrobats, there are some who believe no matter how athletically genius a stunt may be, if a man has his head in another manʼs crotch, that is not right.
OK, I don't care what everyone else says, this was just wrong. Yes, they were very strong. Yes, they were flexible. But he could have been holding 250 pounds of weights all over his body and I would have been equally impressed.
4. It doesnʼt matter if you actually are famous, if you tell people - with conviction - you were on American Idol, they will believe you.
Nat sings, pretty much constantly. During one of her singing escapades, the couple behind us commented on her singing talents and she had him convinced that she was on American Idol.
5. Some people just like sex. And hot, beefy (imaginary!) drinks.
Richelle - 'nuf said.
6. There is no joy equal to that of winning $60 in a slot machine. Unless you are able to double down your last $.50 on “Deal or No Deal” and win a dollar!!!
Julie hit it big - winning $60. And DOND was the best game there - and tons of fun to cheer for - though odds were against us.
7. It doesnʼt matter how cute you are, or how sweetly you smile, some bus drivers will NEVER let you on a bus if your pass has been expired for 5 minutes. In that situation, it is best not to buy another bus pass (!), but to walk the distance out of principle, and to break in your new shoes.
Nat and Richelle - yes, this is exactly the way it happened!
8. Speaking of shoes, there is no limit to how many shoes a girl needs. At least that is what you want to tell the border guy when he wonders why you have an entire suitcase filled with brand new sandals.
One of my luggage bags was all shoes - what can I say, they were cheap.
9. Still speaking of shoes, there is also no limit to how tall your sandals should be, especially if you are going for a long, jerky, bus ride where you will need to stand, straddled, in a skirt, balancing precariously on 4-inch wedges while onlookers gasp in amazement that you have not broken an ankle, or the more likely scenario, fallen on your arse.
Amy trying to ride the bus, standing in 4-inch heels, in the swivel part of the super long buses...
10.Speaking of arses, it is true that muffin tops come in all shapes and sizes. For example, when trying to squeak into a girdle in the handicap changing room in Ross on the strip at 11pm, it is possible to create at least six different bulges in places you did not know could bulge. Itʼs best at that point to take lots of pictures.
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| Sweet shot! |
Val & I tried on girdles at Ross. See #2, it was late, and seemed like a good idea at the time. The harder we squeezed our bodies into those things, the more bulges started appearing in the most unusual places. We were laughing so hard that I'm sure everyone else on that side of the store wondered what on earth we were doing. The lady that worked the changing rooms glared at me when we came out. Poor Amy, who had been outside the change rooms the whole time, had to acknowledge us as we all left together.
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It's important to remember that we WERE wearing our
swimsuits! (see #31) |
11.There is really nothing better than spending an hour or two in the M&M chocolate store. Ok, thatʼs not true, the BEST thing is LEAVING the M&M chocolate store after the hour or two...
12.Edward Cullen is a chain smoker, and is actually much taller in person.
Nat was all excited to get her picture taken with some Twilight-look-a-like, until he lit up a cigarette. He lost himself a buck.
13.Husbands do not distinguish between their wives kissing another man, and kissing a man spray-painted gold holding very, very still. Apparently, that is also wrong to do.
14.Speaking of men holding very, very still, the statue of David teaches us many things: Italian sculptors had no sense of proportion, grown women still giggle when they see a wee-wee, & Jimmer was not the first man to sport that hairdo.
Val pretty much explained it all and I still strongly believe that Michelangelo could have shown a little more taste and a least put a loin cloth on the guy. Somebody remember this, in case I should ever become a legend.
15.Thanks to the hard work of womenʼs rights activists, girls today can choose from any profession in the job market.
Some, apparently, use that opportunity to dress in skanky underwear and dance on blackjack tables. Or spend a night being a special “friend” to old, asian men. You go, girls!
Seriously...
16.There are some of these women who prefer to just walk around town in the skanky outfits; they donʼt even care if you were already planning on wearing that pink, sequin monokini mini-dress (seriously, would look SO much better on a Mormon mother of four!).
17.Speaking of mothers, if anyone ever tries to slip one of those nasty boobie cards into a wholesome motherʼs shopping bag, she will literally bite off their head. No loss to the universe on that one, since one of the other 9000 card-passer-outers will quickly slink out of the gutter to take his place, hopefully with a little better judgment than the last guy.
I've never seen Amy so mad!
18.Outlet stores are big, and there are lots of them. You will need days, and a GPS, to navigate all of them - which you MUST do (refer to #8).
19.A hotel garbage can serves many purposes: Foot bath, Ice-gathering vessel, and Holder of trash. The third one may make you rethink the first two, but then again, it might not...
Val & I couldn't find the ice bucket (why on earth would it be beside the TV?!?), so we took the garbage cans down to the ice machine to fill up (with some guy watching us and certainly wondering about us). Val & Nat used them for pedicures too. Very multi-purpose!
20.When staying in a large, crowded hotel, the best way to gather attention is to walk right through the middle of the casino with a big red cooler. You may get comments like, “nice cooler,” or you may just enjoy the random stares and confused looks. It helps if there are six of you in a row, walking in a sort of parade-fashion, and the others are carrying equally out-of-context items like a FLAT of water bottles, a box of diet soda, or a bag of bananas and paper towels.
Yeah, I was at the back, and we looked like losers - the guy that actually spoke up had it right.
21.After you get your picnic supplies up to the hotel room, you may find that you have forgotten critical items, like a can opener. DO NOT attempt to open a jar with your bare fingers, unless you have a band-aid to cover the resulting laceration, which you will not have because you needed to save room in your luggage for shoes (see #8).
Amy tried to open a jar of mint jelly (good thing we had a cooler) with her fingers and sliced her finger - is probably scarred for life. Somebody probably should have told her before hand that you can open those jars with the jar ring.
22.Fashion tip: When there is typhoon-level wind outside, spend at least 45 minutes curling your hair before you step outside. This is also a good time to secure your eyelash extensions...
We decided we were actually going to fix ourselves up for the Cirque Du Soleil show but the moment we stepped outside our hair was immediately wind-whipped and flattened.
23.Another fashion tip: Glitter toes are NOT just for hookers, they are also for moms who like to let their polish grow out from December to April.
Nat had her toe nails painted all sparkly at Christmas and they were half-way grown out - very stylish!
24.Frozen hot chocolate is really just a watery milkshake, except that it costs $14.
Yeah, Serendipity Frozen Hot Chocolate is overrated.
25.If you are on a bus and suddenly realize you want to be on a different bus, donʼt worry about telling your bus buddy that you are leaving, just get up quickly and run off. She will surely follow you and you can explain later. Hopefully.
Val abandoned her bus buddy, Julie, with no explanation. Apparently we were on the wrong bus and she didn't feel that she had time to explain - even though I had been trying to tell them since we first stepped foot on the bus.
26.If you are on a casino shuttle and a man with a broken arm starts giving you advice on what you should do for entertainment, you should TOTALLY listen to him. He probably knows better than your friendʼs husband anyway...
Some black guy on the bus suggested we go to Freemont Street after the Mystere Show on Saturday night. Joey, Richelle's husband, said we shouldn't go to Freemont at night but we listened to the guy on the bus instead. Surely HE wouldn't lead us astray.
27.Sometimes things happen for a reason. Like, letʼs say you are so excited to try out a zipline that will carry you across Fremont square, high above the heads of thousands of drunken people, so you stand in line next to dozens of drunken people, only to get to the front and be told by the grouchy (drunken?) cable operator that you cannot go, maybe itʼs best. Sort of like when you are having an awesome time at a live, outdoor concert and your friends drag you away to the bus right in the middle of it, thatʼs probably for the best as well. Especially if, by getting to the bus early, you secure seats up top next to a homeless woman who continues to shake her abundant lice- infested hair out over your head. Maybe there is a reason for that as well.
Joey was wrong, the strange scary man with the broken arm on the bus was right - we had a great time on Freemont. Val & I tried to go zipline but after standing in line forever, found out that we couldn't go because it was closing for the concert. As luck would have it, Ronnie Dunn (from Brooks & Dunn) was performing live on Freemont for the Country Music Awards. Some icky woman was shaking her questionable hair on Richelle on the bus ride home - I think I saw something jump.
28.Speaking of lice, it is generally known that farm girls are not afraid of bed bugs.
Just because I like bugs, does not mean that I like them crawling all over by body while I slumber.
29.Speaking of beds, there is a strap on the roll-away bed that holds the mattress in place when you try to lift it up against the wall. Use it.
Nuf said.
30.The best April Foolʼs joke is when you tell your friends that one of the girls in the group is missing and has been gone since 3am. They get super-worried and say things like, “I bet sheʼs having a good time, eh?”
Val and I (in the one room) lied in bed for half and hour trying to come up with a great April fools gag. We decided that Val would tell them that I left at 3am cuz I couldn't sleep and when she woke up, I was still gone. Val sounded all worried when she told Julie and Amy. Amy just went to the shower and Julie commented on what a great time I must be having. NICE!?#*! I got a much better response out of Nat & Richelle, who had been gone at breakfast, when I told them that Val was missing.
31.Sometimes people love to wear swimsuits all day. Itʼs kind of cute, really. A little slutty, but cute.
FINE! - it was 33 degrees and Val and I kept our swimsuits on while we went to the outlets - tell the world!
32.Speaking of swimsuits and cute, we wear the suits not to actually SWIM in, but to sit around the pool and get sunburned. Sometimes people forget this and decide to help their friends get their swimsuits wet. These are bad friends with evil hearts.
Nat pushed me in and later I pushed Val in (after a severe warning of what it would do to her hair and how long it would take to calm down the frizz - so she wore a hat, big whoop!)
33.Travel tip: When you have diarrhea, it is best to sit quietly in the car so nobody will make you laugh, which could trigger a negative reaction.
Sorry, out of respect for the driver, I'm keeping this one anonymous. We couldn't figure out why she was so quiet.
34.Health tip: Walking pneumonia is no big deal, really. Take lots of Motrin & Day-Quil, and spend several hours a day walking through smoky casinos with a 25-pound purse strapped over one shoulder. You will feel GREAT when you get home.
Poor Richelle, apparently she's on bedrest and antibiotics at home now.
35.Dietary tip: Your bowels are capable of holding about three buffet meals at a time. At some point they start to reject the food, which will try to make its way out one end or another. (see #33 for additional information).
Some people bar hop, we buffet hop. Had to get the most out of our 24hr buffet pass (applicable at most neighboring buffets)
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At this point, we were all ready to throw up but
we had to keep eating to get the most out of our buffet pass! |
36.Speaking of buffets, there is an unwritten rule that you MUST try something from every section of every buffet you can possibly cram into a 24-hour period to get your $55 worth of food. That creates a gastrointestinal stew containing spare ribs, duck lʼorange, crab legs, cobb salad, california rolls, blueberry donuts, pineapple slices, sweet & sour chicken, baked beans, feta and bacon macaroni & cheese, garlic mashed potatoes, cheesecake, pita & hummus, chinese chicken salad, creme brulee, minestrone soup, bananas foster wrapped in fried crepes with whipped cream and strawberries on top, cotton candy and lobster-stuffed ravioli (to name just a few). Some people believe that this specific mixture creates endorphins that makes you THINK you are not tired at 3am, even though you have had a total of 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. At this point you should put on matching t-shirts and pajama pants and hit the slots.
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They convinced me to come down with them even though I
was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. We got about 1 hour sleep that last night! |
37.There is nothing quite as insulting as calling someone a “fartʼs ass.”
They've never seen me so mad!
38.The best way to learn where everything is in Vegas is to get up really early and go for a run. Just kidding, nobody actually does that! (although some people are so sneaky they put on running clothes and slip out to play Texas Hold-em at 8am, then come back nice and sweaty, making their lazy friends feel like slobs for sitting by the pool drinking Diet Coke instead of burning off last nightʼs second buffet dinner (see #36).
Amy made us feel really lazy and went for a run each morning. Who does that?!?
39.For some reason, people in bars know secret lyrics to the song “Lucille” that the four Mormon women in the front row do not. Apparently there are also actions to the song that we did NOT learn in primary. go figure!
At the duelling piano bar...
40.And finally, if we have learned nothing else this weekend but this, it is: “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, the other ones REALLY love bling!”
I never knew one woman could where that many rhinestones! (Nat)
Thanks for the good times!!
